Crazy Chaos: Navigating Thanksgiving with an Autistic Child

I find it only fitting as November flies by with Thanksgiving next week to share a little about holidays past and the constant struggle to truly stay thankful when it is really difficult sometimes. 

We are all shaped by our upbringing and traditions when it comes to the holidays. I had one of those childhoods that could be described as close to perfect. My mother always made everything from scratch, from all the dishes to all the pies and desserts, and we gathered with our entire family on both sides. Looking back,it was crazy chaos—and I loved it.

As a young mom, I used to look forward to building my life and continuing these holiday traditions– but things didn’t go the way I wanted. 

Autism has a way of isolating you, and the holidays have always been especially hard for Dylan.  While some of us love all the different smells and loud families crammed into homes, that can be very difficult for individuals on the spectrum.

I was sharing with a few friends last week how Dylan wasn’t toilet trained even at 17-years-old. They were shocked. It is hard to explain to someone not living it how embarrassing it is when your teenage son poops his pants and you have to discreetly change him then dispose of an adult diaper. Throw in aggressions and tantrums and it puts such a damper on the holidays that as a family of four we just retreated to staying in our home. 

Anderson wished for large family gatherings like she saw her friends enjoying, and I have to admit, I wanted the same. I have watched family members over the years act almost afraid of Dylan and look at all of us with a bit of pity. One year, a relative said to me as she was leaving, “I really don’t know how you do this and how you handle Dylan.” She acted annoyed– like her day wasn’t as peaceful as she had hoped. I wanted to respond, “Do I have a choice? Should I just give Dylan up?” The funny thing is I had thought he was so good that day. 

I have to say that I often prayed for holidays to be over. The level of exhaustion was too much.  We all can feel stressed during the holidays, but when you add in severe autism behaviors like toileting disasters, elopement and aggressions, it is a recipe for disaster.

I can remember taking Dylan on what seemed like a million car rides just to make the day go by.  We had to drive 30 minutes to find a fast food restaurant open on Thanksgiving day. I wanted the day to be over so I could attempt to go back to our “normal” chaos instead of holiday chaos. 

But then I remember the joy of Dylan living at home with me; my dad being alive and coming over just to take Dylan for a ride because I had called him crying. I remember Anderson being little and just so happy for any little bit of time or attention. Now, neither of them live with me. 

This week, my holiday will be calm. I will be able to prepare all my dishes with no interruptions; watch the parade and actually hear it; do my hair and look presentable for my guests. All the things I thought would make my day so perfect. But I will wake up like I always do with that piece missing, wondering (like I always do) what Dylan is doing, did he sleep ok, does he miss me, etc.

I will wait with anticipation for his visit where we will stage a Chipotle run because he just does not understand why they would be closed. He will line up his chips on my couch and he will climb in my bed that he has called the “big bed” since he was little. He won’t want to go home and he will finally say to himself, “but you love Dylan’s house buddy, that’s where you live.” 

And I will remind myself how thankful I am for how life was, how it is and what is to come. 

Happy holiday season.