Halloween Reflection: There’s Nothing Scary About Being Ourselves

When I was growing up, Halloween was so fun— homemade costumes, parties, candy—what more could you want?

Every year involved family and friends gathering in the small community I grew up in. There was a big costume party at the fire station and a parade complete with the band and everyone dressed in costumes. It was literally my favorite!

When my Dylan came along, I couldn’t wait to participate in all the Halloween fun! I thought to myself, “I have a child of my own. Bring on the costumes and trick or treating!” I was so excited to show him off to family and friends and have him participate in all of the wonderful events I used to participate in. 

We lived in a perfect neighborhood for trick-or-treating. Young families occupied the neighborhood and, for the most part, it was quite an event.

I always wanted this ideal night: Kevin and I with our adorable children dressed up and going door to door. The neighbors congregated like it was a street fair. Moms sitting on front porches or in driveways, laughing, passing out candy, and enjoying a glass of wine while building friendships that I so desperately wanted. 

Husbands walked the streets pulling wagons filled with adult beverages and maybe a toddler or two while their well-behaved children ran around with their friends. But then, here comes the Shope family! Our sweet Anderson was so happy and just hoping for a good night where her brother didn’t make things difficult and force us to go home early like always. We all held out hope every year that this would be the year…except that year never came.

The memories come flooding back as I write this: Dylan laying in the street crying; Dylan getting so frustrated that he did his usual trick of getting naked; Dylan thinking he should go in every person's house. (Because why else would you be knocking on someone’s door?) Every year it was the same, it ended with us going home upset. Kevin and I would argue, Anderson was disappointed and Dylan was just trying so hard to be what his mom wanted, not what he wanted. Trying to fit into a world that was so overwhelming for him. 

I will never forget a very defining moment for me when Dylan was almost three years old and I was pregnant with Anderson. Kevin and I both attended a big Halloween party at his daycare where all the children were dressed up. I can remember watching all of the children playing with their friends and having so much fun. Dylan sat at a table by himself quietly behaving while he took gummy Lifesavers and sorted them by color and lined them up. I felt sick to my stomach. As a mom, I knew something wasn’t right– why was my child not interested in what all the other children were? Why didn’t he want to be with friends?

I had secretly been reading parenting books in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, filled with worry. All the signs seem to be lining up for me at that moment– just like those gummy Lifesavers were being lined up by Dylan’s little hands. 

I don’t think that I really enjoyed Halloween with children until I finally gave up my idea of what I thought that Halloween should be. One year, it just hit me that this is not what Dylan wants. This is not what Dylan enjoys. 

The next year, I decided that Dylan and I were going to stay home. Our daughter, Anderson, left happily with Kevin and a few neighbor girls. I started out feeling sorry for myself that I was missing all the excitement, but not Dylan. Dylan was busy riding his scooter around the house. He was so happy he would come flying around as I opened up the front door to pass out candy.  He would even slam it right in a trick-or-treaters face. He was so happy, which in turn, made me happy.

We ended up on the front porch. Dylan rang our doorbell for an hour while I sat on the front porch passing out candy. It wasn’t what I thought I wanted—sitting with other neighbors and socializing—but you know what? It was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what made Dylan happy and it turned into a wonderful tradition. 

Today, I spend Halloween at Dylan’s home where he lives with 24/7 care, and I bring his favorite pizza, eat candy and wait for trick-or-treaters to show up. Dylan still rings his own doorbell, and it’s fantastic. 

I hope this year that Halloween brings you not what you want, but what you need.