The Climb

Have you listened to the song the Climb by Miley Cyrus lately? It came on during a recent peloton ride and I quickly downloaded it so I could listen to it on repeat later.  This made me think of Dylan-  When he loves a song he listens to it over and over and over. Often picking a random lyric and that is what he names the song.  As I kept repeating  The climb that day in my car It really made me think about life with Dylan- and life in general.

The lyrics go like this :

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb

Life with Autism is definitely about battle after battle and mountains to move.  When I sit down to write about our journey the fragments and memories of the last 22 years are everywhere in my head and I realize it really has been an uphill battle.  I so desperately wanted to and still want to get to the other side of that mountain I’ve been climbing.

I never thought that Dylan wouldn’t live with me/ not for a minute.  I never saw a way out and really most days I didn’t want a way out- that was my life and it’s really all I knew.  See when you have a special needs child you don’t really know the difference until you look around.

When my sweet Anderson came along she was folded into the mix without any choice.  I have written a lot about feeling sorry for myself and I have gotten some grief over that. But I’m not apologizing for it- don’t we all at times have some moments of self pity or even envy?  I stand firm sharing because I am not here to pretend to be perfect I am here to be real.  And it’s easy to look from your place that was never in my shoes and tell me I shouldn’t have felt sorry for myself.  I didn’t live in that place of pity I just had my moments.  Moments like a summer night watching the neighbors across the street in lawn chairs in the driveway laughing while their kids played.  I so wanted that- I didn’t want to be locked in my house.  Moments watching a group of boys Dylans age walking to the Friday night football game as new high schoolers while he watched from inside a window nailed shut.  Many moments over our life yearning for just the everyday joys of a typical child- And don’t think that I didn’t count my blessings every day and realize that someone always gets it harder than me.  But that doesn’t always mean that I didn’t wish for a different life.

Today I sit in a much different place- possibly on the other side of a mountain- not the last one I will climb but one that about took everything out of me.  I now could sit in my driveway and talk if I wanted, I now could sleep all night if I wanted, I now can give my marriage the attention it deserves, Anderson the attention she deserves, now I can have “nice things” that more than likely won’t get broke, now I can sit on the couch and watch tv.  And you know what- sometimes that’s all grand.  But sometimes I wish I could go back to the climb- the one that I never trained for, never signed up for but that I got thrust into.  My climb with Dylan - you see it ain’t how fast you get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side- it’s the climb.

Go play it- on repeat. For me and for Dylan